8 TIPS YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW IF THE PERSON YOU LOVE IS “BROKEN”
In part 1 we learned about Jessica's emotional revelation as she discovered the roots of her attraction to "broken" partners. We followed her self-discovery process, and the beautiful shift inside her, as she began to transform her distorted beliefs into much healthier ones. In part 2, we will learn some of the tips and ideas that were so helpful to Jessica's continued growth.
1} IT’S NOT YOUR ROAD TO TRAVEL
You may have an urge to try to help your perspective partner change, or to be with them in a support role while they figure out whatever it is they are needing (in your opinion) to figure out... but if you are not already in a long-term committed relationship with this person, it is not your job to help them figure out their mental health issues, their values in life or what their priorities should or shouldn’t be.
Starting off a relationship like that can be really harmful in the long-run. When you are dating, that is something that needs to be made clear to the other person... at least somewhat clear... so you are both ready to move forward in a relationship that has a solid and healthy foundation. Dating is not a time for you to fix another person or to do “work” on behalf of them. If you are already in a marriage or a long term relationship with another person, it is still not your work to do! Each person in any healthy relationship MUST be responsible for his or her own individual self-work.
You may be an active participant in their healing, and a huge reason for them to initiate the healing work, but it is not your work to actually do. If you try to hold their burdens and emotional problems for them, you may actually be getting in the way of their healing (It's called codependency, but that is a topic for another blog post)! Let them hold their own reigns.
2} YOUR INCREDIBLE-NESS CANNOT MAKE HIM/HER SUDDENLY READY
Nobody is special, smart, important, wise or perfect "enough" to make someone who is not ready, become ready.
Someone is only ready when they become ready ON THEIR OWN.
Their lack of recognition of your worthiness has absolutely nothing to do with your actual worth. You are incredibly and worthy, regardless of their ability to see it or express it effectively.
You are worthy of someone being there for you.
You cannot and should not try to change, or become any more “incredible” to make another person decide they can be there for you, wholly. People who are broken in this way will always be looking for something more or different unless they do some inner work. Because of their own emptiness, no matter what, you will never feel like you are "enough" for them... but in reality, you are so much more than enough!
This is the same for someone you may already be in a love relationship with; your husband, wife, or even your mom, dad or mother-in-law, boss or some other close loved one. Your worth has nothing to do with how much they can or cannot show up. Know who you are, notice when someone else has “stuff” to resolve, and notice if the two get blended, when they are essentially two separate things.
3} IT HURTS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO CAN’T BE THERE FOR YOU
It hurts badly when someone you love isn’t able to do their own work or show up for you. It sucks! You’re allowed to cry. You’re allowed to scream. You’re allowed to tantrum (maybe not at them). But remember, that the love you feel towards the person probably wouldn’t last if the other party in the relationship isn’t able to give you what you need.
It hurts when you love someone who is distracted by their own pain, by their own healing, or by something that is coming in the way of them being there for you.
If you're already in a relationship with a loved one or family member who cant be there for some reason, my heart feels for and with you. Trying to change them though, might (will likely) leave you feeling like you are hitting a brick wall. I would suggest that you get some professional advice on how to proceed.
4} RELATIONSHIPS THAT DON’T HAVE A BALANCED EQUILIBRIUM BARELY MAKE IT
Relationships that begin with an imbalance in equilibrium struggle more than most {and unfortunately don't always make it in the long-run}. If you are holding more than your partner from the get-go, or if you have different values and goals... expect a long-term struggle (and I would recommend avoiding the continuation of this relationship if it is relatively new).
If you are already in a long-term committed relationship that started off with this imbalance, now is your time to reassess and see what you can do to cultivate some more balance. Unless at some point the light-weight picks up their own gloves and starts fighting for the relationship, you are in for a very long and painful time in the ring that could result in a knockout. But... when someone is willing to do whatever it takes to work on repairing the balance, it shifts the prospects tremendously.
All relationships struggle, but there are struggles... and then there are whopping struggles that leave you out of breath with no time to connect or experience joy.
I’m not saying it's impossible to survive an imbalance in effort, but if you are the one pulling 80% of the weight... slow down! At some point that weight will get too much to carry. You want to be sure your partner can take some of the load, and be a solid partner in carrying whatever it is you are facing, together.
Relationships all go through bumps and blips, but the more attuned you are to noticing when something comes up, or calling out an old pattern that has been derailing you, the better you‘ll be at making this relationship work (be it your significant other or someone else of importance), one that can last, and be fulfilling for all people involved.
5} SETTING BOUNDARIES IS NOT ONLY ESSENTIAL, IT’S EMPOWERING
When there are a lot of factors to iron out in a relationship before moving forward, it’s so important to set boundaries.
When you are dating, some good examples of boundaries might be;
“We need to discuss if we want the same things in our future before moving forward.”
“I can’t continue dating you until we discuss this specific issue with a mediator (mutually agreed on professional third party).”
“You need to decide if you want kids or not, because it’s important to me.”
“Finances is a topic you’ve been avoiding, and we need to find a way to discuss it openly.”
“I can’t do the 'friends' thing because I am looking for something more.”
Now, by setting the limits, either the person you are with will; step up to the plate and do the work, explain that they are not currently ready for that discussion but set a specific time to discuss before things get more serious, or they will tell you they are not on the same page. These boundaries will then become your solid framework for another relationship with someone else who is more prepared and ready to meet you where you are at.
And if you are already in a long-term committed relationship, you should be aware that all healthy long-term relationships have expectations and boundaries. It is not only normal, but critical!
You set boundaries from the beginning, and as the relationship evolves and life changes, it’s OK and healthy to set new boundaries. Boundaries about time, about caring for the relationship, about some dynamics or important conversations about money, family, sex, spirituality... And what is and isn't OK in the home, who is and isn't invited. What methods of communication are healthy and OK and where the line gets drawn when it comes to criticism or passivity…
6} CONTINUE TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE
When you’re processing an ending of a relationship that didn’t work out, and there was a strong connection, but it had to end, you need to grieve...
but you also need to move on.
The best thing you can do is focus on living your best life.
Get involved in the things that make you feel energized. Who do you like to be around? What hobbies give you energy? What work projects have you been wanting to get to and are ready to dive into? Any personal goals you’ve been wanting to focus on?
Make this time a time to refocus and build yourself.
A well rounded person is most attractive, and especially impressive, when you are eventually open to meeting new people. This is equally true if you're hurting in any way; be it if your child is suffering, your marriage is on the rocks or you are navigating a very confusing phase of life… focus on other aspects to keep some kind of grounding in who you are, as the choppy waves slowly settle around you.
7} LOVE COMES FROM MANY AVENUES
It’s important to make sure to funnel in love from many different sources.
Yes, intimate relationships are the primary source of love and affection, however, when you are in a phase of change and finding more love in your life, it’s important to open up many doorways to allow many forms of love in, so you are well-nourished. Friends, neighbors, self care habits, body work, massage, dance movement, music, art, self expression, and spiritual exploration are just a few ideas.
Make sure you are checking out other avenues to nurture your mind, body and soul. You will feel more nourished instead of depleted. And also, it is a lot more enjoyable to be around you as a friend, coworker, family member or partner when you are a nourished person who emanates love, and seem to be committed to living a satisfied life.
Even in relationships that are healthy and well, it's important to have other places where we get and give love. Having other avenues of love is a way to make sure you live a balanced nurtured life.
8} WHAT’S THE LESSON AND GIFT YOU’VE GOTTEN FROM THIS PERSON?
Every person we meet has something to teach us.
We give each other lessons about life, we gift each other with experiences, insight and awareness, without even trying. I believe we meet people in our lives, no matter how long or short the relationship is for, to learn something.
We are all humans with souls inside ourselves; each and every interaction is a way for us to connect with others, and helps us become more whole.
If you’re aware, you may realize one interaction may bring up some emotions in you that are in need of some work.
Emotions and reactions teach us things about ourselves.
A few examples...
You met a girl who is emotionally passive, and notice you’re upset by it. If you do some work you may realize she’s reminding you of your best friend from childhood who ignored your feelings and you were left feeling insignificant. You can now process that experience so that it will be less likely to impact your future reactions.
You are dating a guy who keeps giving you mixed messages and you’re left feeling really angry. Did an adult or parent in your life give you the impression you were important, but also didn’t show up for you?
Your husband's passivity bring up feelings of worthlessness.
Your mother-in-law's judgmental glance and backhanded compliments makes you wonder if you’ll ever be good enough... or makes you wonder if you will one day be left alone because you don't meet her criteria and your husband might realize that you don't live up.
These experiences can be a segue into healing past relationships that you may still be holding on to.
You can use these opportunities to get to know what messages your body and mind are holding, process them, move through them, and let them go.
Every experience is a doorway to heal something inside of ourselves.
Often in marriage, in dating, in parenting and in daily routine, there are openings for healing. What are the changes in our lives asking from us?
At the end of the day, know you’re not alone.
Many have walked the path of finding the person who was right for them. Try to see this time of your life as a learning opportunity and a time to evolve.
If love and relationships are important to you, do the work to bring them into your life.
And when your heart feels hurt because you love someone who, for whatever reason, can’t be in your life now, breathe...
Breathe... and take one step forward.
xx
Esther